Loving being alone
When feeling depressed, especially when your moods slightly go up and down every now and then, it brings you close to the frightening idea of loneliness. It’s true, some friends have been mistreated by you and can not forgive you, and many of those who have not been mistreated, just can’t deal with your periods of depression or your instability. So that leaves you, as you are. A person. One who stands alone.
I used to be referred to as a «social butterfly» by everyone who knew me. I was the life of the party, the person who was considered fun and a little wild, even during the years I was having my children: trips around the world, crazy outings, going from bar to bar, dancing all night. But things changed and my life turned around 180 degrees, when simultaneously with my divorce I fell into a depression. Actually I wasn’t so shocked about the diagnosis, everyone else around me was.
I expected it, knowing me and knowing my behaviour for so many years. There weren’t only the days I felt lucky being born, there were the beyond ones imagination black downs; Those lightless pools of water I described a couple of posts back. Those were and are the ones that hurt the most. And its during those very scary and trying times when people avoid you, when friends abandon you. Those are the times when even the friends who have stuck next to you, just don’t get it. They don’t understand. I suppose they can’t.
I used to mourn the loss of myself as the life of the party, I used to feel insecure without friends calling me or messaging me all the time. But that all stopped abruptly especially when I was first institutionalized, and I just had to get used to it.
My few friends who stuck around, sometimes I felt did it out of pity; But they were there and that was good because when I needed something there was someone to call. Being unemployed didn’t help either, because I was without a work environment where I could be with people, talk to them, have coffee with them, and feel useful.
So sitting there reading a book one day, I made a decision: to love my loneliness, to embrace it. I learned to go out to lunch or dinner alone (always carrying a book) I learned to go to bars alone and there I even met new people. It was great to meet people who knew nothing about you, who would not be judgemental. So being alone became part of my daily routine; And I learned to love it. One day the thought came to me suddenly:I honestly love being alone!